How Do I Live Without You?
by prohibited
Summary: Songfic. Kaoru is wondering just how much of her life would change if Kenshin were to suddenly leave. Surprisingly, Kenshin was having similar, troubling thoughts. A small songfic based on how the two showed their affections to each other.


**-prohibited-**

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**-disclaimer-  
**Standard disclaimer applies. I do not own the RK gang. 

**-author's notes-**  
... Siiiighhh... my first song-fic ever! Really! And this was pretty... _shocking_... to say the least. Well, I kind'a liked it, and I hope you guys will like it too! The song is 'How Do I Live Without You?' by LeAnn Rimes. I just looove that song, and well, when I heard it one time, I was like... whoa! This song will be such a great song-fic for Kaoru and Kenshin. So I was like (influenced strongly by my friend), I should just give it a shot! And out came this fic! Lol... well... yeah... hope you guys like it! ... it was sort of random... -.-

Enjoy!

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O.o.O.o.O

**How Do I Live Without You?**

O.o.O.o.O

Kaoru sighed deeply as she stared at the cloudless blue sky, leaning slightly at her shoji doors for support. Her hands lay limp with its lack of energy as she absentmindedly twisted them together, staring at its rough calluses. She didn't even frown at the sight of those uneven, small scars that had formed on her beautiful hands.

Her mind was too busy thinking about something else to even bother with her lack of feminine touch.

Her sapphire eyes slowly averted itself onto a small, lean figure across from her. Her blank expression stared hard at the man, crouched down doing her laundry.

Kenshin, obviously oblivious to her annoyed thoughts, was happily scrubbing a piece of her kimono, randomly humming a tune he had invented just seconds ago.

Kaoru finally took a deep breath as her shoulders sagged tiredly before she moved her gaze towards the dojo. Some heavy exercise might be just the necessary thing she needed at the moment.

She quickly entered her room and changed skillfully to the appropriate attire. Rolling her eyes for no particular reason as she opened the doors, she immediately scanned the area for a particular kid. Unable to spot her student, she called out,

"Kenshin, where's Yahiko?"

The redhead looked up from his work and smiled.

"Obviously at the Akabeko, Kaoru-dono." He answered before returning back to the piece of clothing on his wet hands. Kaoru scowled as she rolled her eyes. Just like the brat to leave at the time she actually wanted him around. Glancing back at the ignorant rurouni, she stomped her way to the dojo.

Immediately, she started her warm ups, her mind racing.

Yes, she didn't know exactly when it happened, but she had done something she knew she was better off never doing.

She had fallen in love.

With Kenshin.

Hard.

Now, don't get her wrong. Kenshin is the greatest man you could ever possibly meet. From being a gentleman to being the housewife of the family, he's always there, ready to help Kaoru.

His smile, his intoxicatingly beautiful smile could melt down even Kaoru's worst nightmares. His small ways of showing his concern could bring Kaoru defenseless.

Oh yeah, Kaoru Kamiya had fallen so deeply in love with Kenshin Himura the rurouni.

Angrily, Kaoru swung her _bokken_ at her imaginary opponent. She growled furiously as her body moved with extraordinary grace and elegance.

Kenshin Himura the rurouni. The _wanderer_.

How she despised that word so.

The worst thing about falling in love with Kenshin, other than the fact that he's an extremely dense and ignorant man on the romance section, was the fact that there was no possible way of telling what he was thinking. And the truth that he was a rurouni never really add much comfort to Kaoru's agonizing mind.

Take the Kyoto incident for example. How would a girl feel if the person she love just suddenly decided to leave her and went to save a whole country from a sadistic maniac who had threatened the whole government?

Kaoru knew she couldn't live through the pain again.

"Stupid, ignorant jerk." She muttered to herself, thrusting her bokken into a dangerous, skillful move.

Yes, Kenshin had been a 'stupid, ignorant jerk' for Kaoru whenever she thought back of that night when he had left her with nothing but a goodbye. But she still loved him. If possible, she loved him even more than ever before.

Kaoru twisted her bodyskillfully as she closed her eyes in an attempt to find an answer to all her raging thoughts. She knew she could never find peace if she couldn't find some sort of reassurance. Reassurance that Kenshin would never leave her again.

God, when he left her for Kyoto, she thought she would have died. Actually, she _did_ die… at least a part of her. And she didn't think she could handle experiencing the pain once again. She couldn't even start to think about it.

Without Kenshin, what would she become?

She sighed in frustration. Since when had Kaoru Kamiya turned into this weak, vulnerable girl?

She couldn't stand the thought of not having Kenshin around. She couldn't even stand the thought of him not being there for the night. She really has gotten too weak.

Her heart twisted painfully at the thought of Kenshin's disappearance. She couldn't even start to imagine what her life would be if he suddenly decided to leave her and start off in one of his wanderings once again.

_How do I get through a night without you?  
__If I have to live without you  
__What kind of life would that be?_

Kaoru hated being weak. She hated the fact that someone had managed to conquer her. Kenshin was her soul, her heart... her whole world.

_Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold  
__You're my world, my heart, my soul_

It would have been wonderful if the whole scenario was different. If only Kenshin was not as dense and ignorant and closed up, Kaoru would probably be one of the happiest person alive. What more could she ask for a lover?

No man could even start to compare with Kenshin. His way of showing his concerns, or his simple actions of showing his attention… these small things could make Kaoru's worst day turn into her best. That was just how much Kenshin Himura could affect Kaoru.

Kaoru opened her eyes suddenly as she swung her weapon. Her face twisted into a small frown as her body made a small twirl.

She realized that Kenshin had become her source of happiness.

_If you ever leave  
__Baby you would take away everything good in my life_

And that was why, she couldn't stand the thought of him leaving her. Quickly taking a sharp intake of breath as she ducked an imaginary attack, Kaoru questioned herself.

_And tell me now,  
__How do I live without you?  
__I want to know_

How could she live without Kenshin? How could she live on without her source of happiness?

_How do I breathe without you?  
__If you ever go,  
__How do I ever, ever survive?_

How could she survive without the man she love by her side? If he ever go, she didn't think she could continue on. The Kyoto incident had proven just how weak she really was. Though she pretended and acted to be stronger than before, she knew she was still nothing but a weak girl inside.

She hated that. She hated being weak.

_How do I, how do I  
__Oh, how do I live?_

She hated the fact that without Kenshin, she probably wouldn't be able to live on.

So she must do something about it. Twisting her face in anger as she slammed her wooden sword dangerously at her imaginary enemy, she shouted,

"You stupid...!"

"Kaoru-dono, lunch is..."

"... dense, selfish...!"

"... ready, that it is..."

"... JERK!"

"ORO?"

Kaoru immediately stopped whatever she was doing and turned around. She blinked a couple of times when she realized that Kenshin had entered the dojo just a few seconds ago, and had obviously heard her sudden exclamation of anger.

Of course, he wouldn't know that she was talking about _him_.

Kaoru mentally frowned. Somehow, she wished that he knew just how much his ignorance annoy her. But, he hadn't been showing any progress for the last couple of years, so why should he start now?

"Yes? What is it, Kenshin?" Kaoru reluctantly questioned, panting slightly because of her exercise.

Kenshin stared at her with his violet eyes. He took a few steps towards her with a confused look.

"Lunch is ready, Kaoru-dono." He stated, still giving Kaoru that quizzical look. Kaoru stared at him for a few seconds before she nodded and turned around to place her _shinai_ at its appropriate place.

When she turned back, she was slightly surprised with the fact that Kenshin was still where he was a few seconds ago. She quirked an eyebrow,

"Is there anything else, Kenshin?"

Kenshin observed her slightly before he said,

"Something is bothering you, Kaoru-dono." He stated, glancing at her. Kaoru resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the man before her. Oh, okay, so she forgot just how perceptive Kenshin was. So what?

"Nothing's bothering me, Kenshin." Kaoru said firmly, making her way through the exit. "Except the fact that I'm really hungry. Let's go eat."

* * *

After changing her attire and settling herself on the dining room, Kaoru finally picked up her chopsticks and began eating. Kenshin was sitting across from her, silently picking on his food as he stole glances at the woman in front of her. 

Kaoru, however, didn't notice the slightest bit of the man's actions. She was too busy trying to keep her annoyed mind in check. Well, can't blame her for being in a bad mood today. Girls were just made with mood swings.

Tentatively, Kenshin cleared his throat. As he had expected, Kaoru looked up and gave him her full attention.

"Uh, how is the food, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin started. He winced mentally at how lame his conversation starter had sounded. But it was better than just sitting alone, silent as stones, with Kaoru. His beloved Kaoru.

Ah, how he wished he could just say that aloud. His beloved Kaoru. But something's holding him back. No, it was not the fact that he found himself unworthy of the woman in front of him. He did, at first, think that that was the case. But as he gave it more thought, he realized that unworthiness was not the problem.

Nor was it the fact of his past. No, Kaoru had made it as clear as daylight that she couldn't care less about one's past. So there really was no reason to worry about it.

No, no. Kenshin wasn't afraid of those things. He was more afraid of what any man would be scared about. Yes, Kenshin was afraid of rejection.

How could he not?

Of all the women he could have fallen in love with, why must his heart be captivated by one of the most beautiful, popular one in town? Though she might not realize it, Kenshin was very aware of how those males in town had eyed his love. Jealousy and anger had instantly covered his mind at the thought, but he quickly erased the feeling. No sense in making himself amber-eyed in front of Kaoru for no reason.

"The food is delicious, Kenshin." Came Kaoru's reply. Kenshin reluctantly smiled his fake smile as he nodded. Kaoru glanced at him before she returned back to her food. Kenshin's smile immediately faltered.

Something was bothering his Kaoru.

And he must know what it is.

But how can he figure it out without showing her that he cared for her more than he had pretended to? Oh god, he couldn't even stand the thought of her knowing his feelings towards her. The thought of rejection flooded his mind.

If he was rejected, he wouldn't be able to see her again.

If he was rejected, he wouldn't be able to feel this happiness anymore.

If he was rejected, he would have to leave.

But how could he?

Without Kaoru, he'd be nothing. His whole reason of living would disappear, and his whole life would be meaningless.

_Without you there'd be no song in my sky  
__There will be no love in my life  
__There would be no world left for me_

Kenshin winced mentally at the thought of him not being able to feel the presence of the woman he so dearly loved. He sighed slightly when he tried to picture himself without his Kaoru.

What would he be?

He'd be nothing. He'd be lost. Lost in despair. Kaoru was his source of happiness, and if he was forced to leave her, then it would be the same as if he was forced to leave his happiness.

For Kenshin, Kaoru is everything. _Everything_.

Take the Enishi incident as an example. When he had seen her then, lifeless... dead... he thought _he_ was dead together with her. It was as if his life had been sucked out of him right there, right then.

Without Kaoru, Kenshin would be nothing.

_And I, baby I don't know what I would do  
__I'd be lost if I lost you  
__If you ever leave,  
__Baby you would take away everything real in my life_

Kenshin sighed. Since when had he become this depended on the girl? He had only felt this way once before. That was with Tomoe. But even _she_ didn't give him this much worry. This much pain. Kaoru somehow managed to hold on to Kenshin's heart even stronger than anyone else had ever done before.

He needed her. Needed her to live and continue on living. He didn't even realize when this new necessity of life had entered him, but it did. Kenshin frowned slightly as his brain questioned himself.

Had he really become this addicted to the young, beautiful woman in front of him?

Will he be as hopeless as he thought he would be if she was taken away from him?

_And tell me now_

Yes.

Of course, there was no point in asking that question. He needed Kaoru as if she was the air, his oxygen. Without her, he would suffocate and die…

_How do I live without you?  
__I want to know,  
__How do I breathe without you?  
__If you ever go,  
__How do I ever, ever survive?_

"Kenshin?"

Her soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Kenshin immediately looked up at her.

"Yes, Kaoru-dono?"

Kaoru gave him a quizzical look as she placed her chopsticks down on the table gently.

"You've been sighing a lot since we started eating." She stated.

Kenshin sighed inwardly. Just how perceptive could his Kaoru be? But just as he was about to open his mouth to reply, Kaoru interrupted him.

"You know what, Kenshin? Would you like to accompany me for a walk today? I think it's a lovely day, hmm?"

Kenshin stared at her for a few seconds before he nodded. Immediately, Kaoru stood up and motioned for him to do the same. Biting back his question at her sudden change of mood, Kenshin made his way in following the kendo instructor.

* * *

The two of them were walking side by side in no particular direction. They had been walking for the last hour, but none of them seemed to want their small time together to end. 

Kaoru silently sighed as she stared up at the cloudless skies, her pace making a soft rhythm. She stole a glance at the man beside her, taking note of his distant look. Unconsciously, she sighed once again. This time, it caught the attention of the redhead.

"Kaoru-dono?" he questioned. Kaoru looked at him. He stared back at her.

"Is something the matter?" he asked, inching slightly closer at her. Kaoru hesitantly shook her head, averting her gaze to the road in front of her.

Is something the matter?

What a stupid question.

_Can't_ he realize that he's the reason for all her troubles? _Didn't_ he know that he was the reason, the _only_ reason, why Kaoru had suddenly felt so weak and vulnerable? _Shouldn't_ he know that he's the only man that had ever made her feel this way? The only man that would leave her hopeless and lost if he should ever decide to leave her once again?

If he ever leave her again, what would she do?

What _could_ she do?

_Please tell me baby,  
__How do I go on if you ever leave?_

If he ever leave her again, he would be taking everything away from her. Her heart, her soul, her world… he would be taking everything from her. Her love, her happiness, her life… all would be gone together with him.

_Baby you would take away everything,  
__Need you with me  
__Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life?_

The two of them finally landed on a familiar scene, and Kaoru gasped slightly as the place registered on her brain. They were by the river bank, and the sun was starting to set already.

And glistening slightly, barely visible, were the flying fireflies, happily showing its beauty to the couple.

Such a scene… Kaoru could feel her heart beating wildly.

No, no, no! What is this? What is this sudden feeling? It's as if something will happen…

"Kaoru-dono…"

Kaoru's eyes widened as she slowly turned around to the man beside her. Kenshin was staring at the fireflies, his eyes distant and the wind blowing his beautiful, blood-like hair. Slowly, he turned his attention to her, and Kaoru couldn't help but to tremble at his intensity.

This was the exact place where he had left her before.

Could it be…?

"Kaoru-dono…" he repeated, his voice deep. He took a hesitant step, cutting their distance. Kaoru stared hard at him, her heart beating wildly.

Is he leaving? Is he going to leave her alone?

"… I have been thinking…"

He took another step, closing his distance with Kaoru. Kaoru trembled slightly, her heart beating as if it was ready to jump out of its ribcage.

No, no! He couldn't possibly think of leaving her? What happened? Did something happen? How could he…?

"… I have been thinking…" Kenshin repeated, taking yet another step. He was finally standing right in front of Kaoru. "I have been thinking about…"

Kaoru's heartbeat echoed dangerously loud on her eardrums. Kaoru's eyes trembled as she thought of the worst possible scenarios. Kenshin is going to leave… he's going to return back to his wanderings… he's going to leave her…

Kenshin took a deep breath, staring at Kaoru through his bangs.

"I have been thinking about… us."

Kaoru's head shot up immediately. Her trembling eyes reflected Kenshin's violet ones. What was going on?

Kenshin hesitantly lifted his hands and placed them gently over Kaoru's, causing the young woman's eyes to widen with shock as he brought the pair of soft hands to his chest.

"I have a question to ask you, Kaoru." He said, not even noticing he had accidentally dropped her honorific.

Kaoru stared at him, her heart beating wildly. He's not leaving… is he?

Kenshin stared back at her before he finally said,

"What would you do if I decided to leave?"

Kaoru's heart must have stopped beating at that very instant.

He's leaving.

Kenshin's leaving.

Kaoru could have broke down and cried at that very moment.

But she didn't. Something was holding her back. So instead, after a few deadly moments, she opened her mouth, her bangs covering her eyes.

"I…" she croaked. She could feel Kenshin's hold on her numb hands tightened.

"I… I won't…" she could hear her voice. It was trembling.

"I won't be able to continue on living…" she whispered, slowly rising her eyes to meet his amethyst ones.

Kenshin was struck dumb at that very moment. Thousands of emotions filtered through his mind. Happiness, joy, amazement, shock, delight, and hundreds more suddenly made its way through his brain.

But something immediately brought his thoughts back to the present. Kaoru had suddenly placed her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed tight.

"Please…" she croaked, her voice trembling. Kenshin's eyes widened. Was she… crying?

"Please… don't leave me…"

Kenshin suddenly released his grip on her hands, only to replace his hold on her whole body, circling his arms around her slim waist.

"Of course I won't leave you, Kaoru. I _can't_ leave you…" he whispered. But Kaoru's tears refused to cease, and Kenshin's hold on her tightened.

"You…" Kaoru whispered. "You're not leaving?"

"No, of course not." Kenshin whispered. "Don't you see Kaoru? I can't live without you… I need you… Need you desperately…"

But Kaoru's response was only to shake her head, as if telling him to stop lying. Kenshin slowly released her in order to look into her eyes. His heart hurt at the sight of her in such a state.

He placed both of his hands on the sides of her face, cupping it lovingly.

"I have been holding this for a long time, Kaoru. But I need to tell you something…"

Kaoru closed her eyes shut, as if expecting him to suddenly disappear. But Kenshin continued on.

"I love you, Kaoru."

Her eyes immediately shot open. Kenshin smiled sadly at her as his thumb caressed her cheeks softly.

"I'm sorry if this shocks you Kaoru, but I can't help it. I've fallen in love with you. I'm too deep in love with you to even hide it anymore. I love you too much. I need you… I need you to live…"

Kaoru shook her head rapidly.

"Please, Kenshin…" she whispered. "If you're going to leave me, don't make it harder for me."

Leave? Who's going to leave who?

Kenshin took a deep breath as he stared hard at the woman he had fallen in love with.

"Kaoru, don't you see? I can't leave you. That's why I asked what you would do if I leave… I want to know if you wanted me to leave! But I can't! I can't leave you! I need you in my arms, I need you to be beside me. You're everything for me, Kaoru. I've become so attached to you, I'd be nothing if you're not here with me.

"I love you too much Kaoru. I love you too damn much…"

But Kenshin was interrupted, for Kaoru's mouth had suddenly captured his in a captivating kiss. Though shocked at first, the redhead slowly relaxed and enjoyed the new feeling as he explored Kaoru's mouth.

As the two finally let go of each other, panting for breath, Kaoru once again leaned on his shoulder as she sighed.

"Oh, Kenshin…" she whispered. Kenshin slowly snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her tighter towards him.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru… I really am…"

Kaoru looked up at him with a confused look, her face still red and glistening with her wet tears.

"Sorry? For what?" she questioned. Kenshin looked at her.

"For… making this unworthy self fell in love with you…" he mumbled. Kaoru smiled as she leaned on him once again.

"Oh, Kenshin. You're just so silly sometimes." She whispered. Kenshin smiled slightly.

The two of them watched the last bits of the sun rays disappearing to the horizon. That was when the fireflies suddenly seemed to come alive, surrounding them. Kaoru giggled suddenly, causing Kenshin to glance at her. She looked up, her sapphire eyes sparkling.

"Kenshin…" she started. "I love you."

Kenshin's smiled widened as he caught her mouth once again on a soft kiss. How stupid could he be? Here he was, afraid of being rejected when the girl of his dreams was actually feeling the exact same thing as he was!

Kaoru parted her mouth slightly, giving him entrance. His tongue explored her gently and he could hear Kaoru moaned slightly.

Ah, what a blissful feeling...

Finally feeling the need of oxygen, the two broke apart, smiling at each other.

"Kenshin," Kaoru said, breathing his name. Kenshin stared at her, smiling lovingly.

"Yes?"

Kaoru glanced at him, smiling.

"How do I live without you?"

_And tell me now,  
__How do I live without you?  
__I want to know  
__How do I breathe without you?  
__If you ever go  
__How do I ever, ever survive?  
__How do I, how do I…_

Kenshin was just about to answer her when Kaoru laughed and said,

"Simple. I just can't!"

And she laughed as she hugged her rurouni with all the love in the world. Kenshin, caught off guard, toppled over with Kaoru on top of him.

"OROOOOOO!" he shouted uncharacteristically. Kaoru giggled on top of him, placing her head on the crook of his neck. Kenshin smiled as he caressed her hair.

"… and neither can I, Kaoru. Neither can I…"

_Oh, how do I live without you? _

O.o.O.o.O

.owari.

O.o.O.o.O

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**-author's notes-  
**Alright... let's all just say it together... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Oh sheesh, it's weird. But oh well... wut do u guys think? I suck in the romance department -.-; I hope you guys liked it tho... cuz I did :)! Anyway, review and tell me wut u think! I'm thinking of making other song-fics and one-shots... but we'll see how this go first! 

Please review so you'll make me happy :)

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Thanks for reading!  
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